I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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