My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
