Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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