Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
