you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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