my vag is so smooth its legendary
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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