I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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