I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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