Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my being single is dangerous.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
