well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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