Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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