They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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