I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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