It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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