I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
