I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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