turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
