Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
