By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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