My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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