so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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