Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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