I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.