I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.