I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
