to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
