I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
