I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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