I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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