I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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