I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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