Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
