Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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