i love accidental penises.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
