i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i was born a porn star she said
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
