I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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