I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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