the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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