went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
