I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize