I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
