I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
this hospital has no fireball
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
