I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
