Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.