when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
