Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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