I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
