Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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