really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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