I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
