My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
