My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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