No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize