I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
