That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
