i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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