Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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