I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?