theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?