I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
